Firsts!!

How are the first few days of meeting a guy? Going out with him? Falling in love? It’s a beautiful feeling right? Well I think it’s a wonderful feeling. The whole idea of being present in that same place where he is every day may sound tiring, but eventually pays off. It’s also the most awesomest feeling if the guy reciprocates to your feelings.

The very early stage of a relationship is when we have butterflies in our stomachs, when you want to grasp everything he says about himself, where you want to spend every free minute with him. It’s also the stage where you figure out his work stress, hours and understand his work. The stage when you have to impress his friends just so they like you and put in a good word for you. You deal with anxiety, butterflies, sleepless nights, sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach. What’s worst is when you don’t know how the other person feels about you. Sometimes when there is a guy it’s like either your time investment did do you some good or sometimes it didn’t. When it doesn’t, it’s the most depressing feeling of all. When it does, you invested right! It’s like you want to careful of what you say or how you dress or how you drunk you can get. But on the other hand, you want him to see you as you, when you say something stupid or in your dirty rags or even slip and fall. You want him to know all your good points, your strong points, your habits, your traits; everything that describes you. Thinking about all this its actually gives me stress. You have to make the perfect first impression. This is also the time where you get to see his good points, traits and don’t wish for anything that puts you off.

Right now I’m in a similar stage and trust me I’m losing sleep over it. LOL! No really I’ve not slept in two nights. Maybe it’s the vibe someone’s giving out to the universe. Maybe its life trying to tell me there is going to b e a change. Whatever it is, I’ve got butterflies in my stomach 24x7 and it’s a weird feeling.

Romantic Novels

So of late I've started reading a lot of romantic novels, and I love the feeling of being in love. Doesn't mean I am in Love... but the whole idea of being in love intrigues me. There are so many authors- Milly Johnson, Nicholas Sparks(My fav), Cecilia Ahern, Sandra Brown, Barbra Taylor Bradford, James Patterson, Judith McNaught, Jackie Collins and many more that I cant seem to recall. Reading is a habit that has been instilled in me since I was a child. Everynight before sleeping I read for half an hour, sometimes I go to a coffee shop just to read my book in peace.

Every story is different from the other and I fall more in love with love. I cant believe I'm saying this but I actually believe in these stories. I feel these stories happen for real. I know that right now while I'm writing this my true love is out there somewhere waiting for me. To be honest I was always taught never to expect, never to believe in best friends, etc. But the books have changed me. I have started expecting to meet my true love at the most random places, I do have best friends and I believe in them.

Anywhere I go, I keep my eye open, what if I meet him at a supermarket, at a party, a bar, a coffee shop, at a doctors clinic... anywhere!!! So anyways when I'm reading these novels I'm in a complete different world, I'm not me. I visualize every scene from the book into real life...sometimes my life. Sounds like I'm mad right?? But trust me I'm not the only one who does this!! I'm a major closet Romantic, I'd rather watch a Romantic movie than a scary one... Trust me I love both the genres. Reading whisks me away from my life, my fears, my worries, my tension.

I could on writing about romance and reading, but I would conclude by saying 'My true Love, please turn out to be what I expected you to be' :)

My First Guy

Arranged Marriages are gaining popularity again in India and its a good thing. I feel its best to get married to someone your parents approve of. But don't do it forcefully or without your will. If you love someone and plan to get married, then a love marriage is your best option. But for a person like me, I feel arranged is the best. I'm only saying this because I've been single for as long as I can remember. I'm 24 this year and have a good career going for myself. I know what I wanna do and I am proceeding towards my Goal. But I miss having that one special person to share this with. For how long am I going to keep making plans with my friends and their respective partners. I miss having a "Him" around, I want a him around when I've had a good day at work, I want a him around when i've worked out that extra mile just to lose wtg fast, I want a him around when I am PMSing, I want a him around when I've fought with my mum, I want a him around to go for movies and dinners with, I want a him around who I can be proud of, of every achievement in his life. Thats when I realised I am ok to look for guys my parents find me.

So very recently I went to a guys house with my parents. I was super nervous, I dint know what to do or say. It was my first time seeing guys. We reached his place, met his mum and he came. I had this smile on my face and said hi to him. We all sat down. His brother started asking me where I study and what I do. At that point somewhere in my head I had a sudden question. Will he ask me to sing??? Cuz i suck at it. I was praying he would rather ask if I know how to cook, cause i knew. Just then the guy says shall we go... and I was a little taken aback because as per the Hindi movies its an elder of the family who says why dont the two of you go inside and chat. Anyways so I went in, to his room, something I dint approve off. I feel someone's room is their own personal space, why let other people in. But anyways we got to talking and somehow I calmed down. We had a good conversation(Something I dig). We chatted for a while, his brother and sister-in-law came in and sat with us. Me parents and me left his place. I was satisfied. Once we were down my mum says what do you think... I said Ma its too soon for me to say anything, but yes I would like to meet him again to get to know him better.

But after a while I kept getting this feeling that I'm not the only girl he's seeing. I dont blame him, he's 28, he has to keep his options open.

Point being, I now know what to talk when I go see guys... My dad says I've opened my account of seeing boys!! LOL

Here's wishing me luck that I find my 'Him' soon!! :)

Time N Tide Wait For No One!!

I was just reading my mails that were written last year and man have things changed. There were mails about a guy and how nice he was and how I would never call him an assole or a bastard. Well, guess what I’m doing that now. LOL! There were mails between me and a friend and how he would never change and love me just the same; well he’s changed and I don’t know where the love is. There were mails where I was complaining about a friend and how the boyfriend was only imp for her. Well, right now the bf is still there, but our bond has become closer than ever. There were mails where my sister bitched to me about living so far and wanting to come home and how she hated being single. Well, now she is happily dating and not a word about coming back home (for good). Of course she misses home a hell lot.

I guess time changes a lot of things around us. It’s like the saying ‘we grow with time’, it’s so true. Last year at this time I was un-employed, happy, bored, content with life and almost with someone. A year later, I’m employed; don’t know about happy; so not bored, content yes and very much single! I have become quite mature and live healthy. Time as they say, heals all. We let time decide what’s in store for us and we also let time tell us where we stand in life. When things go wrong, we say the time is not right; when things go right others say ‘every dog has his day!’

One thing I have learnt is never regret anything you do, because it’s a waste of time and gets you no-where. If there is something you want to do or say to someone, do that right away because we don’t know what time can do to us, it’s now or never. I live by this last sentence. Does not mean I have done the right things, I have made decisions in haste, screwed up and hurt my self, but at least I saved my self the regret about not doing it. When I went to get my nose pierced, I was too scared and walked out of there but my mum said ‘It’s now or never’ I said, “F**k this shit! I am going back in”. That was a right decision because the nose pin looks nice on me. When I met a guy, he told me he’s leaving town in a month. I took a hasty decision about spending all my time with him, well I got hurt and maybe deep down feel I made the wrong choice, but I don’t regret a single moment spent with him cause he was nice, different and a breath of fresh air when I was claustrophobic.

All I’m saying is don’t waste your time in crying over a guy who left you, or fighting with friends, or feeling bad when people leave because you will never get that time back. Live life to the fullest and always love and respect your parents and elders cause you never know what time has in store for you!

Frustrating Emotions

I am so sick and tired of seeing you in my dreams,

Every night I see you there,
Sitting next to me, waiting to hold my hand,
But just when I am about to grab hold of you; I wake up!

I am so sick and tired of being your punching bag,
Every time you want to talk,
You turn to me and cry,
But when I need you to be my punching bag; you hang up!

I am so sick and tired of being a joke for you,
Every time you want to de-stress,
You make fun of me in front of everyone,
But when I try to retort you say you were pulling my leg!

I am so sick and tired of being alone,
Every time I think of it,
It makes me cry,
But when I try to move on; I’m back to square one!

I am so sick and tired of feeling this way,
Every time I want to change it,
Some thing goes wrong,
And I am back to feeling frustrated!!!

Something is not right..!! :-(

There is something not right in my life, and I don’t know what it is. My b’day was on the 21st of Septmeber and man was I depressed. I dint feel right… I dint want to celebrate, I dint want to talk to anyone. At 12 in the night, my friends came home with cake and wished me… I slept at 3:00am. I woke up to an empty house, becuz my parents were out of town and my younger sister had gone to college. The only person at home was my grandma and I had to tell her it was my b’day. She has been unwell and does not hear much, all she did was smile. I went on Facebook and saw my wall posts… I missed my older sister. I went to work, everyone wished me, my boss msgd that lunch was on her, we called for pizzas and cake. One of my client wished me and I had to tell the other one. In the afternoon I started feeling sad again. Then my parents called saying dinner in the night with them was not a good idea, so I thought since the next day was a holiday, I should take some friends out to drink. I set my plans for the night. My mom called in the evening just an hour before I leave work saying please come to a relative’s house as I needed to offer my condolences. I dint want to go becuz a) it was depressing and b) I was wearing a dress. I asked her what were they doing after, she said they had to stay back, when I asked her what about my cake which my baby sister had baked so lovingly, she said we’ll do it later. And later I had to go out, so I had an argument with her, saying its my b’day and I want to see her. Well eventually I had to do what mom says, but they come to drop me home and cut my cake. I left immediately to go out taking my younger sister along. We went to my club, had alcohol and suddenly it was time to shut down. We then clicked lots of pictures, left from there and went to the church. When I was there I met my boss and she thought I would be getting hammered somewhere but was happy to see me there. We left, went for a drive to town and then back again. My b’’day was over.

The only highlight of my day was when my older sister Chaitri called from US and sang to me over the phone, when I went to the bank to withdraw some cash and the screen flashed a happy b’day and when my younger sister Avni baked a cake for me. The only gift I got was a bag and a bouquet.

In spite of so much…. I was still depressed. I don’t know why. I wanted to cry all day long and was not at all excited about my b’day. I still don’t understand!!! Any suggestions???

It's Been A While!

Hey,

It’s been a very long time since I blogged and man I missed it!

Reasons:

1. I’ve been so stressed with work lately that I’ve not had time to breathe.
2. My best friend was here in town for a month
3. Work Load has increased
4. Missing a certain someone so much, the pain is physically unbearable now.
5. And other women problems (You know what I mean right!)

Work is going to be an on going thing, it’s going to be like this as always, but I just need to balance it out well. My friend told me I need to leave work at office and come out with them, I should be back to the same quirky and cheerful person I was.

Mithil Patel is my best friend and I love him for life, he’s like this immature, lost puppy in life and I love being with him, becuz its de-stressing. I can talk about anything under the sun with him and he still won’t listen to me, LOL! No but seriously he’s the best friend any girl can have, he gives me everything of the exact amount, not too much not too less, just PERFECT! And that’s what I like best about him. But that does not mean he is mature, he still needs help with a lot of things in life. Lol!

Work load has increased. From one client I now have 2 and technically 3, but I like it now. It’s all going in the right direction. But work and stress go hand in hand. Like I wrote earlier it needs to be balanced well.

Sometimes in life when everything is going well, from work to family to friends, you still want that special someone. I had someone who was almost perfect for me just sometime back. But life is never fair and now he’s gone and I miss him like crazy. All I wish is to see him, talk to him, hug him ONCE! But I guess this is not what God has in store for me.

Woman problems are what every girl goes through, so no comments on that! Lol

This is me for now! Let’s hope I have something better to write next time.
Till then, keep following and reading my blog!! Chao!!

what's wrong with people?

Recently I’ve come across people who comment without thinking. For eg,

1. Don’t be in denial; I’ve also been in an open relationship. Just admit that you’re his girlfriend (he’s a good friend of mine and I like someone else)
2. It’s funny how you keep making the same mistake over and over again and still don’t mind committing them. (aaa… when u don’t know the story its best not to comment, and since when did u start having such a bitchy tongue)
3. It’s surprising how you were so hard on your self over me (yea assole… so full of yourself, thank god I don’t love you)

The funny part is, I dint really get to put my point across! I mean seriously don’t they think when they talk, where did their manners go. Sometimes all I want to do is just slap them so hard on their face that they would never think of opening their mouths again. Then again dogs bark for no reason and never shut up… I feel its best to just shut your ears and move on, trust me you’re taking the high road!

!

Mitch Albom

I read this book called Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom, and I fell in love with it, after that I read ‘Five people you meet in Heaven’ by Mitch Albom. These 2 books taught me so much.
‘Tuesdays with Morrie’ is about this student who is now graduated and working, he used to have a favorite teacher in college called Morrie. After getting married he met his professor again and realized the educator is dying soon. So he started going to meet him every Tuesday. This student as it turns out was also his professor’s favorite pupil. They would sit together every Tuesday and talk for a few hours. The moral of this story was let it be today, not tomorrow. If you want to say something, say it today. If there is someone you love say it today, u never know what may happen tomorrow!
‘Five people you meet in Heaven’ is about a very old guy who dies, and he meets five people in heaven who teach him to forgive and forget. It talks about how people hurt us, but with a valid reason behind it which we fail to understand at that point. After a few years when our anger has subsided, we realize why it happened!

These books were very eye opening and taught me a lot. We as individuals never realize when the time has gone; we are so busy in ourselves that we fail to do something that we want to do. We do not realize what the other person was going through when they hurt us. Because this has been proven ‘what goes around comes back around!’

The next book I’m reading is called ‘One More Day’ by Mitch Albom. Watch out for this space!

WHY YOU SHOULD SAY SORRY!

Scientists have claimed that when a man refuses to apologize to a woman for something wrong he has done, he could put her at risk of a heart attack.
A study found that women who are starved of an apology for rude or hurtful behaviour suffer an increase in blood pressure, which can raise the risk of a heart attack or stroke.
The research also showed that those who hear a well timed "sorry" calm down more quickly, with their blood pressure returning to normal 20 percent faster.
On the other hand, a man's blood pressure takes 20 percent longer to recover after an apology - suggesting men become more worked up after hearing an admission of guilt.
Scientists at the University of Massachusetts Medical School in Worcester, US, measured the diastolic blood pressure of 29 men and 59 women throughout the experiment.
Both groups were asked individually to complete a maths test in five minutes. They were interrupted three times during the test and told angrily to hurry up.
At the end of the test, they were told: "You're obviously not good enough." Two minutes later, researchers apologised for their rudeness to half of the men and women. The women who received an apology calmed down faster, while the men became more agitated.
"Results indicate that there are potentially healthy benefits to forgiveness and apology," the Telegraph quoted one of the researchers as saying.
Diastolic blood pressure, a measure of pressure in the blood between heartbeats, can increase the chances of stroke or heart attacks if it remains high.

NOW THATS WHY I SAY ALL MEN SHOULD ALWAYS SAY SORRY!!
hahahhahahahahahaha.........

MEN ARE SUCH ASSOLES

They are dumb,
They don’t think
They don’t have a heart!

They think they can fuck round with any girl they want…
They want to fuck with our heads,
They want to fuck with our lives,
All they want to do is fuck us, pun intended!

If they love the girl and can’t be together…
They will make it a point to run as far as possible,
So that they don’t hurt themselves,
But end up hurting us!

They will do anything to show the girl how important she is…
And then when it is time, they will run away,
Then it’s not important how much they make us cry,
Then they don’t remember the good memories they have with us!

Why are we girls so emotional…
We try to say we live in the 21st century and can take care of ourselves,
Who are we kidding?
At the end of the day we want a man to take care of us!

We try so hard to get their attention…
What for?
Eventually they run away,
And never bother to look back!

All men are alike…
Every time we meet someone new we say he’s different,
But mind you girl, they are all the same.
They all just fuck with us and run!

We say men are dogs…
Why?
Dogs are at least faithful and good companions,
That’s why I say…. Fuck the men, let’s all take up dogs!!!

Babe...

The more I push you away from me,
The more I think about you.
You’ve had such a power over me,
It’s like I can’t do anything without thinking about you.

We shared a few words, a few smiles.
We shared a few fits of laughter.
We shared a few experiences.
In a small span of time, we shared our whole lives.

You said it was my energy that pulled you to me,
For me it was your smile and poetry.
I think about you everyday now,
Wishing it’s not going to be like this forever.

You said I was involved romantically.
Little do you know I don’t believe in love anymore!

The dream run...

so on the 17th of January there was a marathon in Mumbai,and i ran for it.7 kilometers, my first ever dream run, it felt awesome. I was all pumped up from 5.30 in the morning, well i had to get to a particular start point. We started at 9 am so officially i started walking from 9.30 a lot of people had come for the 7 km run. there were so many groups, all different. some were NGO's, a group from McDonald's was running including there mascot. there was Domino's Pizza. there were people from TATA consultancy, a dance group(Shiamak Davar) also. we had to run around in the south of Mumbai near Marine lines, luckily it was near the sea so it wasn't that hot. We got done by about 11.15!!!
for me it dint really feel like i was in a marathon cuz we walked much of it but i was determined to do this so next time i can do the 21km race, its not that difficult. Since i am on a diet and work out regularly i have decided that every time i step on the treadmill i should aim to start with 5 km atleast.
so the next marathon will be next year and i definitely wanna take part in it. my parents and fitness trainers were so happy that i did it.
in all i felt so happy within, that i did it. Going there and completing it was a challenge i put for my self and seeing the spirit was amazing. the best of all this was i saw a physically challenged boy running the 21 km race and his mom and few others were helping him in the last 500 meters. there was also a little baby who had come with his mum, a lot of other people in different get ups where there.

this marathon was not just a race but also a reason for people to do something and since i've been doing nothing lately this was something i was looking forward to!!! :-D

The Feeling of Emptiness!

It’s been 2 days since you’ve left,
The house seems silent.
From a family of 6, it’s become 4,
Feels like no one is at home anymore.

It’s been a year since you’ve left,
My life seems boring without you.
Said you’ll be back soon, but it’s already a year,
I have stopped looking and kept that place only for you.

You’re gonna leave soon,
I feel alone already,
Even though we had very little time, I let myself to be smitten and fell for you,
You say you’re not affected at all, but deep down I know, this hurts you more than me.

So many others have come and gone,
Used and left me completely lifeless,
I sit in the hope that you all will be back,
And it would be the same between us,
But seeing a few now, I know you’ve left for good.
Giving me a feeling of emptiness within.

This feeling was then,
But right now I have to keep my heart open,
Cuz if I don’t, then nobody would get the privilege of knowing me.
And I have decided, alone I am not going to be.

When you pissed me off!!!

You do this all the time,
Every time you do this it’s predictable.
You just need excuses to excuse yourself.
For you, it’s all a game.

You have traveled such a long distance,
And come after so long,
But you still don’t want to see a change.
You think everything is the same as you left it.

You need to stop doing this,
Such an attitude will only make people judge you,
You may think this is such a small thing
But for me, it means everything!!!

i dont know anything!!!

I don’t know what I want,
I don’t know what I need,
I don’t know what I feel,
I don’t know what is right,
I don’t know what is wrong,
I don’t know what I wanna do in life,
i don’t know why he does this,
I don’t know why she says no for everything,
I don’t know why he does not give me my space,
I don’t know why I am still awake at 1.30AM,
I don’t know why I am so desperate for it,
I don’t know why it takes so much time,
I don’t know why I am sitting here,
I don’t know why my phone doesn’t stop ringing,
I don’t know why I am still unemployed,
I don’t know if I should be studying,
I don’t know what name is good,
I don’t know if I should be getting out,
I don’t know if I want her to go,
I don’t know what they want from me,
I don’t understand them,
I don’t understand myself!!!

WHO AM I?

I am someone who is not real.
I am what you want me to be.
I have no dreams of my own…you gave them to me.
I have no life, I live for you.
I have no feelings, I feel what u want me to feel.
I love when you ask me for it.
I care when you want me to.
I laugh when u tell me to.
I cry when u make me.
I am nothing but a TOY…

How long am I going to take it for?
When will I run out of patience?
When will I start to live for myself?
When will I make myself a priority?
When will I make my own decisions?
Why am I scared of what you think?
Why do I depend on you?
When will I stop being a TOY….?

It has to be now or never…
I have to take a stand in life…
I do not have to be scared of you anymore….
I should not be scared to walk over you cuz that’s what you did to me….
I have to do this today not tomorrow…
Someday I will be glad I did this…
This is going to hurt…. But I have to let go...
I cannot and will not be a FUCKING TOY ANYMORE….!!!

EXPECTING AND GIVING...!!!

Expectations can make or break a person...
If u expect more and things don’t happen that way, they you’re broken...
If u don’t expect and lots of things happen, then you’re made...
Even the measurement of expectations matter...
There are high expectations and low expectations...
Parents have high expectations from their children to get good marks or choose a wise carrier.
Friends have expectations in being there for each other and not back stab.
Lovers have expectations to be loved more them the ex and get more.
Old people have expectations from young people who always take care of them.
Young people have expectations from elders to understand them even if they wanna go to a night club.
Kids have expectations from parents to buy them that doll or car, their friends have.
Best friends have expectations from the other to understand when they’re going through a rough patch with their lovers.
Best friends have expectations from the other to go on listening to them bout the same things 10 times.

THERE IS A VERY THIN LINE BETWEEN GIVING AND EXPECTING....
WHEN U GIVE... U WANNA TAKE..TAKING MEANS EXPECTING....
You give good marks to your parents, you expect a gift or a reward.
You give trust to your friends expecting the same back.
You give more love to your lovers expecting more love back.
You have given a lot when ur young... So you expect to be taken care of when you’re old.
You give by working at home, expecting permission to go to a night club.
You give by behaving yourself, expecting that doll or car.
You give a shoulder to cry on, expecting the same from your best friend.
You give a listening ear, expecting the same when you wanna talk.

LIFE IS ALL ABOUT GIVING AND EXPECTING….
YOU JUST NEED TO KNOW THE RIGHT MEASUREMENT OF EACH...!!!

my feelings on Nov 11th, 2009.

why are goodbye's so hard??
why do we have to say goodbye??
what good is there in saying bye???
will we forget each other???
NO....NEVER..........
then why a good bye????

People always leave...
no one is forever....
they come, give you love....a few laughs, some good memories, some advice and they leave....
does God select people for this job???
what right does he have to play with our hearts and mind???
why does he do this...???
so we learn to be alone???
but why send people when we have to be alone...we are better off alone....we can take care of oursleves....we dont need guests!!!
I am permanent, my heart is permanent, my mind is permanent...why screw with it???
why change for these people when they'r eventually going to leave????


u dont have the right to know me...
u dont have the right to look at me with sympathy...
u dont have the right to make me laugh...smile...
u dont have the right to give me love...care for me....give me....
u dont have the right to give me expectations..... hopes...
u dont have the right to take it away from me....
u dont have the right to give me memories....
u dont have the right to make me sad and cry....
U DONT...............!!!!

we'r strong

As babies when we learnt to walk, we fell.... but still stood up.
as kids when we learnt to ride, we lost our balance... but still rode.
as children when we learnt to study, we failed.... but still passed.
as teenagers when we fell in love, our hearts were broken...but we never lost hope on love.
as friends we meet a lot of people, they leave...but we still made new friends.
as employees we worked, we got fired...but still looked for a another job.
as daughters we learnt to cook, we burnt it...but still ate.
as girls our hearts were broken, we got depressed...but snapped out of it.
as human beings we made decisions, some went wrong....but we moved on.